It’s Been Awhile

It’s been awhile since I could hold my head up high. It’s been awhile since I first saw you.

I’ve had a serious challenge in my life lately and I’m starting to see the light on the other side.  It’s true that there are experiences in life that are big enough that it requires the universe to restore balance.

And it’s been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again. And it’s been awhile since I could call you.

The past few months have demanded that I take a look at myself. A good, hard honest look. It’s that moment when the only part of me showing in the mirror is my soul. Raw. Unfiltered. Exposed.

And everything I can’t remember, as fucked up as it all may seem. The consequences that I’ve rendered. I’ve stretched myself beyond my means.

I know I’ve been here before. I know that in the past I’ve walked through a dark spiritual valley and found the light on the other side. I had gone back to that valley, back to the darkness. I’ve been hiding there for awhile, waiting for something.

It’s been awhile since I could say that I wasn’t addicted. And it’s been awhile since I can say I love myself as well.

In my valley of darkness, it becomes too easy to feel like I’m not enough. The darkness is full of quiet doubt and fear. It whispers about all the moments that I didn’t reach out to someone, that I didn’t let my light shine. It whispers and it keeps me afraid.

And it’s been awhile since I’ve gone and fucked things up just like I always do. And it’s been awhile, but all that shit seems to disappear when I’m with you.

It’s easy to believe that the lessons the universe circles back on us are lessons involving accountability for somethng we’ve done wrong. The universe gives us multiple chances to learn whatever lesson waits for us. We assume that it means redemption for something bad.

And everything I can’t remember, as fucked up as it all may seem. The consequences that I’ve rendered. I’ve gone and fucked things up again.

But what if that’s not the lesson at all?

Why must I feel this way? Just make this go away. Just one more peaceful day…

What if the lesson is to understand how powerful we are? What if the lesson is that we are wonderful and loveable and one of the most valued beings on earth?

And it’s been awhile since I could look at myself straight. And it’s been awhile since I said I’m sorry.

What if the lesson is that we are an irreplaceable child of the universe? Beautiful? Protected? Loved beyond measure?

And it’s been awhile since I’ve seen the way the candles light your face. And it’s been awhile, but I can still remember just the way you taste.

That has been my lesson. The universe is scolding me for cowering in the darkness, for listening to the whispers. For giving in to the fear of being great.

And everything I can’t remember, as fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it’s me. 

For hiding from my own immeasurable power.

I cannot blame this on my father. He did the best he could for me.

I’m not completely out of the darkness, but my light is shining. I am shedding my fear, reconnecting with everything it means to be me.

And it’s been awhile since I could hold my head up high.

Since I’ve let my light shine, old friends have flooded back into my life. Old enemies, too, but I’m sending them only forgiveness and love. My lesson is to give love, but even more importantly to accept it. To call on it. To shed any doubt that I am unconditionally cherished and that I deserve it.

And it’s been awhile since I said I’m sorry.

Feeling bad and being afraid are easy. They protect us from trying. They keep us isolated and timid.

Let go of the fear and find your power.

Staind–It’s Been Awhile


2 thoughts on “It’s Been Awhile

  1. This piece rings true for me also…I’m just beginning to feel revival taking place, which for me is a shift from mind chatter to heart feeling. It is a very hard shift to make. Great piece…thanks.

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