Pearl Girl’s Weekly Borderline Breakdown

Pearl Girl loved the Giant Sparkly more than she had ever loved anything in her entire life. She watched television with he/she/it, took baths with he/she/it, sat out on her high rise condominium patio and watched sunsets with he/she/it.

Pearl Girl especially liked to look at the pretty Giant Sparkly. Well, she liked to look at her little button reflection in the shiny surface of the Giant Sparkly.

While Skeletor’s monkeys were busy putting Button Boy back together in the polar bear enclosure at the Buttonville Zoo, Pearl Girl and the Giant Sparkly sat on Pearl Girl’s couch watching a rerun of Button or Bust. (The one and only rerun on the one and only running channel since Zombie Pearl Girl and Zombie Button Boy had eaten all the button people in Buttonville.)

“My Giant Sparkly,” Pearl Girl sighed a button sigh and pressed her button cheek to the Giant Sparkly. “I love you.”

The Giant Sparkly didn’t say anything. Pearl Girl waited for it to say ‘I love you’ back, or change pretty sparkly colors, or even sigh a cute little button sigh. But the Giant Sparkly just sparkled purple on Pearl Girl’s white button couch and didn’t make any sound at all.

Maybe Giant Sparkly doesn’t really love me like I thought he/she/it did. Pearl Girl hung her head in her little button hands. Loneliness spread through her button belly and made her button heart heavy. She had turned the Giant Sparkly from evil to good by giving it all the love and affection she could muster as a zombie. Then the good Giant Sparkly turned her back into regular Pearl Girl. She thought that was because the Giant Sparkly had come to love her, too. But it seemed that the Giant Sparkly just took her genuine and complete devotion for granted.

She hated the Giant Sparkly.

Pearl Girl turned off the television and glared at the oversized purple jewel. True to her borderline emotional issues, Pearl Girl stomped her button foot, folded her button arms, and huffed a dramatic button sigh. “If you’re not going to love me the way I deserve to be loved, I’m leaving you. I hate you, Giant Sparkly!”

Like a fashion model on a runway, Pearl Girl spun around and took long, exaggerated strides toward her bedroom. She paused at her button bedroom doorway for a few heartbeats, just in case the Giant Sparkly was ready to tell her how much he/she/it was sorry for treating her this way.

The Giant Sparkly didn’t move.

Tears spilled from Pearl Girl’s creamy white pearl button eyes. She stumbled into her bedroom and pulled a suitcase from the closet. Now she knew the Giant Sparkly really didn’t care about losing her. Everything she had said was to emotionally manipulate that magical gemstone. She didn’t really want to leave. And she didn’t really hate the Giant Sparkly. But she had threatened to leave, and now if she didn’t follow-through, the Giant Sparkly would never take her feelings seriously.

Pearl Girl threw a few extra button hands and a belly button in the suitcase, slammed it shut, and snapped the latch. Because of the weight of the suitcase, her exaggerated steps from the bedroom became more of a lurch. The Giant Sparkly didn’t even seem to notice that she was leaving.

Guess what Pearl Girl hated even more than the Giant Sparkly? She hated it when her borderline tantrums didn’t net the results she wanted them to.

Fine. He/she/it will surely miss me when I’m gone. He/she/it may not know how much I mean now, but when I’m gone… She twisted the little button knob and lurched out into the hallway with her suitcase. The tension hinge pulled the door shut behind her. She was halfway down the first set of stairs of her high rise condominium building when she stopped cold with a few epiphanies. First, she remembered that she lived at the top of a high rise building and she should have taken the elevator instead of the bloody button stairs. Second, she realized that she hadn’t packed any clothes, only extra button body parts. And third, she realized that the condominium was her place and that if anybody was going to be forced to leave, it should be that damned waste of a Giant Sparkly.

Pearl Girl stormed back into the condo and threw her suitcase on the couch. It bounced the cushions enough that the Giant Sparkly rolled off into the coffee table and shattered the glass.

“You worthless, unappreciative bastard of a jewel!” Pearl Girl stomped her foot and folded her arms across her button chest. The thought that the Giant Sparkly might be hurt by the broken glass briefly crossed her mind. Wouldn’t the Giant Sparkly truly deserve to be punished somehow for being so unbelievably rude about her feelings? Yes! “I’m throwing you out!”

The Giant Sparkly just glowed the same purple it had glowed for days, looking even more beautiful than ever before in the midst of the glittering shards of glass.

Such a pretty sparkly. Possibly the prettiest sparkly I’ll ever be with…but I can’t give in! I must continue with my path of irrationality! The Giant Sparkly must be punished! Pearl Girl crossed the living room and opened the glass doors that led onto her balcony. Thirteen stories up. Perfect. The Giant Sparkly would surely feel this!

Pearl Girl rolled the Giant Sparkly out onto the balcony, all the way to the railing. Rapunzel the giant crow, perched on the edge of the building across the street, squawked at her.

With tears in her eyes, Pearl Girl ran her button hand over the Giant Sparkly’s facets. “I love you so much, my Giant Sparkly. It’s so sad that we have to break up like this.”

The truth was that Pearl Girl could no longer remember why she was mad at the Giant Sparkly, she just knew that she was and that the Giant Sparkly must somehow pay for it. With a sigh almost too big for her button lungs, Pearl Girl wiped a tear and pushed the Giant Sparkly off the balcony.

The gem spun like a flashing star down to the asphalt of Thread Avenue. Cracks webbed the surface like spider legs.

“Oh, my Giant Sparkly!” Pearl Girl screamed. “What have I done?” She waved her arms wildly at Rapunzel. “Please, take me to he/she/it!”

The crow squawked and glided from the top of the building across the street, snatched Pearl Girl from her thirteenth floor balcony, and swooped her down to the street.

Pearl Girl crumpled to her knees and wrapped her button arms around the purple jewel. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so so so so so so so sorry. I will never hurt you like this again. Please don’t ever leave me, Giant Sparkly!” Her tears fell on the Giant Sparkly, and it changed from purple to pink to blue to green and back to purple.

Except for one corner where a small shard had chipped out on impact. That little scar flashed in scrolling rainbow colors.

“Oh, a boo-boo.” Pearl Girl kissed the Giant Sparkly there. “All better.” She traipsed into the corner pharmacy and rolled out a shopping cart with little button wheels. “Rapunzel.”

The crow stopped preening her feathers, curled her claws around the gem, and dropped it in the shopping cart.

Pearl Girl grinned up at the sunshine, then looked out at the city beyond Thread Avenue. Where to go? She shrugged and pushed the cart west toward the hospital and the zoo. “Giant Sparkly, we need to meet other people. It’s time we discussed an open relationship.”


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